I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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