Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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