My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
