How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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