Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
