I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You are the jesus of drinking
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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