I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
