I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
