seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
