Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize