well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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