i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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