i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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