I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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