he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
