Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
