Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize