Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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