Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
