Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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