: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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