I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
