hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
