i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
