Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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