hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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