and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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