can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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