fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
