Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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