theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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