There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
