Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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