Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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