he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
