"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
