There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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