Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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