Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
so let's talk penis.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize