her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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