I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
