My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
