I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
