nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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