You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
