I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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