You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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