life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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