Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
