I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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