The maid of honor just puked.
In America we eat man semen.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
