I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
