He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
