Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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