Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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