if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
