Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just googled if crying burns calories
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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