he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
