The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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