that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
