one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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