I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
